Falling Off the Wagon

Really hard to maintain postitive inertia. Everyone else around me apparently has gone mad. Either that or I was so deep into my own negativity that they always seemed more pleasant and content. Amusing in its own right actually. Last couple of days have been hard. So I've started doodling in my spare time, listening to my tunes more, and practicing calm. Almost constant interruptions at work when I'm trying to stay balanced. Irritated at home too. I forget that husband gets glazed look when I talk on and on about a topic and then go off on tangents that seem irrelevent to him. Never ask someone "How was your day?" unless you REALLY want to hear the answer. That annoyed me though because I needed to vent. Went back to work and confessed about attempted venting at home. Go to work so I can talk about home, go home so I can talk about work. I'll try keeping them in their respective, in context spaces instead. No one is without flaw, the trick is to hide it well.

Experiments in Positive Thinking

So the new outlook is going well. Feeding off more positive energy is making the days go much faster. Here's the funny part...I'm feeling great, and everyone else around me now is in dark despair and negativity. I can retain the sarcasm and mocking of life, but now I've just been laughing about it instead of brooding. I have displaced the blackness onto those around me...ha! Odd but entertaining. Alright, so they've all done it to themselves, but such timing! It's like tailor-made for the week. I'm getting a total kick out of it. Now if I can continue with the positive energy, it will be incredible when everyone else gets back to normal.

Refocusing

The objective is somehow intangible though. It's like that little blind spot that hides the stars when you look directly at them. Have thought of a few things though. Let cynicism and bitterness go to where they rightly belong now before I end up on the street corner yelling "What the hell happened?!". Being true to yourself...but who am I, what am I? What was I? What have I become? More confused. No one wants to hear that rubbish, everyone has their own inner quandries. So why voice it? Maybe it's the hope that one person will hear, just one, and help me refocus myself. There has to be a better tomorrow and a better way to get there. Hard to care most days. Time to feed off of being a better version of myself, back to the way things once were. I liked who I was once upon a time. To find the way back, surely it is possible.

Maybe I Should Have Taken the Road More Traveled

I don't know. Not a clue. Where the heck am I going for the next decade of my life? I really don't know. Twenty through twenty-nine were open for suggestions, but I ended up with exactly what I wanted. Now...er...well, my vision is blurred. New career? New locale? Some goal to shoot for would be good. It's like I have all the time in the world, but it's running out too fast. What do I want to do with it? How to be just happy again? Maybe this is not the best of times in the greater scheme of things to start desiring change. Poor economy (do we ever tire of hearing about it? every day!), a three year old kiddo grinning at me as I write this, and a job that some days is in question whether it will be there tomorrow. Move to the forest and live off the land again. At least that gives peace to the soul. Living in town is awful, just awful. There is no escape from the boredom within it. It's overwhelming. So where to go, what to do for the next ten years? Maybe I'll work on that while going back to the daily grind. Maybe the road more traveled would have worked out better than the non-conformist, off-beat one I've taken. Hind-sight maybe 20/20, but the future is blurry.