Falling Off the Wagon

Really hard to maintain postitive inertia. Everyone else around me apparently has gone mad. Either that or I was so deep into my own negativity that they always seemed more pleasant and content. Amusing in its own right actually. Last couple of days have been hard. So I've started doodling in my spare time, listening to my tunes more, and practicing calm. Almost constant interruptions at work when I'm trying to stay balanced. Irritated at home too. I forget that husband gets glazed look when I talk on and on about a topic and then go off on tangents that seem irrelevent to him. Never ask someone "How was your day?" unless you REALLY want to hear the answer. That annoyed me though because I needed to vent. Went back to work and confessed about attempted venting at home. Go to work so I can talk about home, go home so I can talk about work. I'll try keeping them in their respective, in context spaces instead. No one is without flaw, the trick is to hide it well.

Experiments in Positive Thinking

So the new outlook is going well. Feeding off more positive energy is making the days go much faster. Here's the funny part...I'm feeling great, and everyone else around me now is in dark despair and negativity. I can retain the sarcasm and mocking of life, but now I've just been laughing about it instead of brooding. I have displaced the blackness onto those around me...ha! Odd but entertaining. Alright, so they've all done it to themselves, but such timing! It's like tailor-made for the week. I'm getting a total kick out of it. Now if I can continue with the positive energy, it will be incredible when everyone else gets back to normal.

Refocusing

The objective is somehow intangible though. It's like that little blind spot that hides the stars when you look directly at them. Have thought of a few things though. Let cynicism and bitterness go to where they rightly belong now before I end up on the street corner yelling "What the hell happened?!". Being true to yourself...but who am I, what am I? What was I? What have I become? More confused. No one wants to hear that rubbish, everyone has their own inner quandries. So why voice it? Maybe it's the hope that one person will hear, just one, and help me refocus myself. There has to be a better tomorrow and a better way to get there. Hard to care most days. Time to feed off of being a better version of myself, back to the way things once were. I liked who I was once upon a time. To find the way back, surely it is possible.

Maybe I Should Have Taken the Road More Traveled

I don't know. Not a clue. Where the heck am I going for the next decade of my life? I really don't know. Twenty through twenty-nine were open for suggestions, but I ended up with exactly what I wanted. Now...er...well, my vision is blurred. New career? New locale? Some goal to shoot for would be good. It's like I have all the time in the world, but it's running out too fast. What do I want to do with it? How to be just happy again? Maybe this is not the best of times in the greater scheme of things to start desiring change. Poor economy (do we ever tire of hearing about it? every day!), a three year old kiddo grinning at me as I write this, and a job that some days is in question whether it will be there tomorrow. Move to the forest and live off the land again. At least that gives peace to the soul. Living in town is awful, just awful. There is no escape from the boredom within it. It's overwhelming. So where to go, what to do for the next ten years? Maybe I'll work on that while going back to the daily grind. Maybe the road more traveled would have worked out better than the non-conformist, off-beat one I've taken. Hind-sight maybe 20/20, but the future is blurry.

Only 364 More Shopping Days...

Start now, get a jump on things. Don't ask for tinsle the day before festive occasions, or actually expect it to be available. Ah well. It's over. Now starts the season of returning all the unwanted merchandise that people spent too much on anyway. Went home, read their bank statements, winced painfully, and brought it all back. Rent a gift...someone should just start a renting center for all your gifting needs. Wasn't so bad this year at the end, people regained some civility and rationality, if only for three days. The new year looms darkly on the horizon. What awaits us in retail then! *GASP* The horror, the horror. So, hollow people, you did not succeed in bringing me down into your gutural level of insanity and rudeness this season. Try again next year if you're up for the challenge.

A Further Descent into Madness

Well, well, with the holiday season upon us, one can only expect the best and horrid worst of people. Some are delighted to simply have a home, job, and food on a regular basis. They are going through life trying to not make it any harder for others. Thank you, all of you, you are the majority. Then there are the rest of you greedy little buggers...rude, selfish, and inexcusable. Please do not push rudely in front of people of any age who were waiting patiently before you. Please do not be greedy...everything at this time of year is not FREE at the retail stores. Besides do you really need an electric shaving cream warmer or some gadget that "salon" dries your nail polish instantly? Work with me here. Is it worth arguing over? When stores are out of seasonal merchandise, they are out of seasonal merchandise...there are no more shipments of holiday junk during the holiday season! It all came in during June and July when you were buying the stuff that came in during January. Do we see a pattern here? There are no magical little elves in the warehouses sending sleighs of tinsel and ribbon nightly to your local retailer. Give it a rest. Shopkeepers are there to assist you, not be your personal shopper. We don't care what you're buying for some cousin you only see once a year. Don't expect lots of personalized service at the busiest time of year...you should have started in August if that's what you need. Just wait, take it easy, it will all come out alright. Please remember that there are several hundred other people who also did not have the foresight to make holiday photo greeting cards in advance also needing to use the self-help photo machine, who also must wait in line, and can not use a simple touch screen by themselves either. Best of the season and all that rot, and enjoy the approxamately two months of madness.

Adieu 20's

This is the last day of my 20 something decade of life. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday, another year of my life gone. Sounds sort of grim doesn't it? Sometimes another 50 or 60 years just doesn't seem like enough...maybe another 70 or 80? Who knows? It has been a decade well spent though. Grasping onto adulthood, moving on, starting a wonderful family, rooting myself further into what defines me. I accomplished what I wanted in that short time. Do I have any answers though? No. Maybe I'll find some in the next decade or two.